Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…