Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

Maths meets science

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?