Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet