Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.