Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Somewhere in an alternate universe
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Check out the legs on this baby
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.