Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When can I start eating bats again.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
❤️🦆
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart