agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
