agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
