agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
How wrong was this guy?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.