My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.