Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
How do you milk an almond?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.