AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.