Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

forgive me baja for i have blast

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

God, I love Scotland

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.