Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

THIS HEADLINE

Now colored!

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back