* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Tremendous stuff
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
this is uni
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.