* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
sure, why not
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
This is my cat’s medicine.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
#ParentingFacts
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.