* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.