* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
handsome & gretel
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
