Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?