*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*