*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”![]()
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?