Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.