*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…