Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
You Might Also Like
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
quarantine day 3
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“What movie?” 🤔
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.