Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.