Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Fiction has to make sense.
You know…for fall…
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming