Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
so much to do
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite