Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Life hack

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.