*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)