*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.