*aggressively waits in line*
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim