*aggressively waits in line*
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*checks Timeline*…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.