Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Pretty much! 😂👀
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
#Caturday
