Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
