Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
You Might Also Like
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work