Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Breaking news:
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mad Max: Furry Road
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously