Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter