Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

I don’t make the rules sorry

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

I have never related to a cat more

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.