Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
TEETH IS INNOCENT
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?