Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Lmbo
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.