Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
how long have you had this for?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out