Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

🤨

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning