Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
