Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.