[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
