[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Plant care tips
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
