Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.