Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Worst bar ever.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro