Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
man i love columbo
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.