Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.