Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
What a kind woman! 😂😂