Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.