Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.