Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Spotted in the wild

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”