Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
he was correct
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Last-minute gift idea!
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on