Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer