Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one