Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
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Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬