Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed