Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
channeling her this year
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.