Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

I think I’m gonna be sick

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain