Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.