Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

i spent way too long on this

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks