Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
lost dog
