“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
