“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
