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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.