Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.