ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months

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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you


Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret


Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.


Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.


[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm


(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …


How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?


You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.


I don’t know what mansplaining is. If only there was somebody out there who could tell me