@robwhisman

ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months

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@ryanoflan

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

@Toolie__xo

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

@OMGSoOverIt

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@3sunzzz

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

@ScratchChrome

I don’t know what mansplaining is. If only there was somebody out there who could tell me