Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
🤣dope
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm