Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try