Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.