Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours