Ah..makes sense now
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I have many caverns
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.