Ah..makes sense now
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.