Ah..makes sense now
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone