Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Autocorrect is my menesis

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10