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@tarashoe
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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@CantWaitToNap
I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
@LoriLuvsShoes
I wonder what Twitter employees do at work to waste time
@KeetPotato
cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”
@Cheetoe4
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@TheAndrewNadeau
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
@writerPT
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
@thepunningman
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
@MooseAllain
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
@Iwriteforcats
Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?