ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

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Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex


Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob


[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’


There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.


[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”


I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.


The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.