ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

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cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.


If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.


“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”


Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.


Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?