@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot *crowd goes apeshit*

@kirsthalliwell: Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???

@protolalia: Me: You're kidnapping me? Where're we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name- Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@Usetobeabastard: Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.