ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.