@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

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@KeetPotato

cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@TheAndrewNadeau

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@thepunningman

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

@MooseAllain

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?