ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!