Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed