“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds