“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
the only organized thing in my life is crime
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.